THE CONVERSATION

By: Onala Olapanran

Kunle: Kola, how far jacking na?

KOLA: How can I jack when there’s no light in both A and B block of my hall?

Kunle: (puzzled) Aha. But you’re a C-blockite na and as far as I can remember, you people have light.

KOLA: So the one month break did nothing to your enduringly selfish nature. How can I read comfortably in C block knowing my brethren in A and B are in gross darkness? Don’t you know injustice to one is injustice to all?

Kunle: But we just resumed, isn’t it?

KOLA: Is it?

Kunle: Look Kola, I don’t know about you but I just want to graduate in peace. So all this your gra-gra onto aluta should better be reduced. Abi you no wan graduate ni?

KOLA: NO. I don’t want to graduate. All of us agitating for your rights, we don’t want to graduate. In fact we want to spend the rest of our lives in this University. You better let us go and protest.

Kunle: eh eheee. *Ewa gbami ke. Are you not aware of the meeting where it was resolved that we write exams and come back to re-strategise afterwards?

KOLA: *Se meeting wa niyen? Is that one meeting? Meeting that was full of the fearful and the I-want-to-graduate and the abysmally indifferent and a very few patriots, is that one meeting?

Kunle: Na you get your mouth. See, I want to go and read o. I can’t come and go and fail o. *omo single parent ni mi o

KOLA: *o ba je omo dangote abi omo motherless and fada-less, your docile mentality will not change. Just go…

Kunle: Come Kola. What’s your problem na? Are they pressing your button from the village ni? Did they send you to me?

KOLA: … Meeting that I heard you people were just…

Kunle: (cuts in). So you were not even present? Guy, you’re a very useless fellow. Why am I even wasting precious time with you here?

KOLA: Where are you going now?

Kunle: To the Cafeteria, the Library, the Faculty, anywhere far from you. Nonsense.

KOLA: Kunle wait. As you just mentioned Faculty now, I remembered something. This is actually very serious.

Kunle: Yes?

KOLA: Why are you now doing face like shit? Someone cannor play with you again ni? Ehen. I heard your faculty president is back and is claiming he didn’t abscond with your money?

Kunle: My faculty president. Is he not your own president too?

KOLA: Is it not you people that voted him in. Did I vote? Have you seen me vote since I became a UIte?

Kunle: Kola what do you want from me now?

KOLA: What are you people going to do about him?

Kunle: It is left to the FHR to do the needful. The constitution clearly states the punishment for unapproved withdrawals and spending.

KOLA: But he said he used the money to kick-start the production of packages and shirts. And he can provide evidence.

Kunle: Indeed. He also claims the Financial Secretary was privy to the withdrawal. Nonsense.

KOLA: But he said he felt the FHR would delay. And you know those FHR people can actually drag issues.

Kunle: And you were there when he proposed the budgets for package, right?

KOLA: Of course not. He didn’t present any budget. He knew it would be delayed. He had seen the future. That’s foresight. Don’t we need that in a leader? Besides, he’s doing all this so you can get your package early.

Kunle: And foresight tells you to break laws, right? It tells you to jump the gun and ascribe zero regard to established institutions, abi? 

KOLA: Why are you now vexing for me? Am I your president ni?

Kunle: I don’t know for you o.

KOLA: See. I’m only trying to see things from his perspective a bit. I’m not advocating his cause.

Kunle: Well-done, seer.

KOLA: But wait. How is he going to organise other programmes like dinner, faculty week, with just about five hundred thousand naira left?

Kunle: When you see him, ask him.

KOLA: I’m serious joor. As in, he organised picnic and welcome party with like 198K. How much do you think he would need for dinner and how much do we have?

Kunle: Kola, do the maths. I’m hungry.

KOLA: See you. I’m talking about something serious now and you’re behaving like aboki. Later you’ll say I’m useless. Who’s useless between us both now?

Kunle: Don’t just go there ‘cause as for you ehn, vote, you won’t vote. Come to congress, you won’t come. Contest for office, you won’t contest. Advice, you won’t advice. All you do is follow woman up and down like a shadow.

KOLA: Kuku say you envy my babe skills. Besides, you don’t expect me to participate in the child’s play you call politics here, do you? I’m beyond that. You know na.

Kunle: Good for you. I need to go.

KOLA: I have another gist for you but, you know what, just go. I’m tired of this your holier-than-thou atitude.

Kunle: Ciao

KOLA: So you’re really going? 

Kunle: No. I’m coming.

KOLA: Cow.

Kunle: Goat.

KOLA: *sha don’t forget to come for your daily dosage tonight on FIFA ’14.

Kunle: You wish.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The Conversation you just read was dug up from the warped imagination of the writer, Onala Olapanran, the heralder of all things juicy and saucy. Similitude to real events is entirely credited to good fortune. Ciao.

© Fatsssa Press Organisation 2017